12.22.2013

On eBay Coach Purses and Being a Grown-Up

I discovered that I'm an adult this year, not because I have a career (What's a career?), a house (Does my parent's house count?), children (Are you kidding me with all these babies?), or even because I have a grown-up sense of responsibility (ha!). I've got my head simultaneously in the clouds and shoved up my butt on most days. Of course I'm choosing to go down a path that is unconventional, and really ridiculously hard to succeed in. If you ever ask me "What do you do?" regardless of what kind of mumbly response I give about the Internet marketing, freelancing, or writing, know that I really prefer to answer you in this way: Ask me again in 5 years.

So no, nothing that has happened to me over this last year, my last year with any bit of my 20s in it, has any of the hallmarks of traditional "adult" behavior. I'm not that grounded. My entrance into the world of grown-ups comes in the form of interactions with faceless people on the Internet. And it involves a purse. A PURSE.

This Purse.

(Isn't she pretty??)

This is a used Coach purse that I bought online for 40 bucks. My good lady friend, Kat, turned me on to the sweet used and vintage Coach and Dooney and Bourke purses you can find on eBay for a steal. I also discovered a forum in which you can have your finds authenticated for free.*

I bought this purse via the "Buy it Now" eBay function because bidding on things makes my pits sweat. I bought it at the beginning of November and thought, there is no way in hell this thing will not arrive before I leave town for Thanksgiving. I was wrong. A week had passed, my "estimated delivery date" had come and gone, and I was starting to get antsy. So I wrote to the eBay seller.

I don't really know what I thought I was going to accomplish by writing to, well anyone, about my package that had been sitting in a FedEx facility for a week. It's not like any one was going to be able to have my package airlifted out of New Berlin, Wisconsin and shuttled to my door, but I had to do something because I felt powerless. I'm going to bitch so loud the whole country will hear.

And bitch I did. To the seller. And when I got a response of "I'm sorry about this. I'll keep my eye on the tracking" I about blew a gasket. I'M ALREADY keeping my eye on the tracking. Do you think I'm some kind of dumbass? I even created a bookmark in my toolbar for it.


I suppose what I wanted to hear was "THIS IS A TRAVESTY. I'm calling FedEx straight away. Surely they will airlift your package out of New Berlin, Wisconsin and have it shuttled to your door." Instead, I had a back and forth with her about FedEx policies and why it's not good business for her to quote such short delivery times or use a delivery method** that is different from what she put on the listing. I actually used the phrase "I thought you might want to know for future reference." (!). I'm such an asshole, right!?

Naturally, I decided it was time to contact FedEx directly. Because it was a weekend, and their office wasn't open, I sent an email to their Facebook customer service person. I used soft, gentle phrases such as "I'm very disappointed" and "This is not acceptable," not ever explaining to them exactly what was in the package, but making it clear that it was in fact a very important package that must be delivered by 11/20. In my head, I pretended it was my insulin. I'm going to hell.

Between the eBay seller I reprimanded, and this FedEx employee, I sent nearly 10 emails about this dumb purse that was delayed in delivery for a little over a week. I could forgive myself for getting worked up over a lost package, but this is ridiculous. I am like that Jimmy Dean sausage caller. "I can't feed a family of five on a little 12 ounce roll of sausage." Well, I can't have a good holiday without this used Coach purse. Somebody needs their ass kicked.

I'm bitching like a real adult now, right? I'm a grown-up now, right? Actually, I've decided that the real moment I became an adult was the moment I accepted that that damn purse wasn't coming when I wanted it to. Obviously, I did end up receiving the purse. It was delivered the day after I left town for Thanksgiving. I suppose it was a lesson that had to learn. You can't always get what you want, Shay. Sometimes things don't work out exactly the way you want them to, Shay. Calm the hell down psycho Shay. Besides, you've got more important things to focus on, like making babies and building a career that you won't be ashamed to discuss with people over Christmas dinner.

I've got about 48 hours to get on that.

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*Go HERE for Coach authentications, and HERE for Dooney and Bourke. I've got your back, kid.

**The delivery method in question is "FedEx Smartpost," a disgusting, hideous hybrid between FedEx and the United States Postal Service. Never deliver your packages via FedEx Smartpost unless you want them to take twice as long as either service would on its own.
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