Dear Philip Seymour Hoffman,
The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he does not exist. People know that you exist, Philip Seymour Hoffman, but do they also know that you're the devil?
As such, I'm confused as to why haven't you played a super creepy villain in any of your movies yet. It doesn't make any sense because out of everyone in Hollywood, you're obviously the most likely to be legitimately evil. I realize that you might have done this intentionally as it might be part of some greater purpose. Was this your almighty will, oh powerful one? Would a goopy, fangy demon be too obvious?
Don't get me wrong, Phil, I think you're the cat's meow. I find myself mindlessly intrigued by you. I smile the whole time I watch your movies and, when the movie is over, I talk to anyone that will listen about how great you are and how much I admire your work. Even now, I'm feeling a compulsion to impress you with my wits and smarts, even though you and I both know darn well that you are omnipresent and are reading my mind.
While I adore you, Phil, I'm also fairly certain you'd choke me to death if I was chewing with my mouth open. I come from a long line of mouth breathers and passive farters, you see. I didn't even know how to cut meat without fist grabbing utensils until I was 25 years old. This stuff is in my veins, and I'm working hard on it. I swear I am.
Additionally, I would wager my self proclaimed neuroticism and confidence issues would be an affront to everything you hold sacred. If I told you I take personality tests every time I feel bad about myself, would you hate me for it?
If you ever meet me and want to slap me in the face, I won't question it one bit. I'd probably like it a little.
Please slap me in in the face if you ever meet me.
Yours,
Shay Lorseyedi
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2/3/14 I wrote this letter several months before Philip Seymour Hoffman's passing. I want to clarify that I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for this man and his work. He was such an amazing actor, and I would be lucky if I ever attain even of a fraction of his creative genius. I know that I will miss seeing his loveable mug on the big screen, but we'll always have Sandy Lyle.
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