Male Bag: A Letter to Jeff Goldblum

Dear Jeff Goldblum,



I don't believe in love at first sight, which is probably a good thing because the first time I saw you, you broke my adolescent psyche.

It took me a long time to get over The Fly, my first exposure to you. I'm certain that this film is the direct cause of my crippling fear of spiders, custard, and teleportation technology. I didn't fully appreciate you during your blockbuster heyday of the 90s either because my brain was too full of soft floppy hair, Jude Laws, and Brandon Boyds. You tried your best, I'm sure.

You worked tirelessly on my subconscious mind for over a decade, and I honestly believe it has made for a stronger bond between us. Thank you for your patience, Jeff. I look back at my foolish youth and cringe at the time I've wasted. I'm no longer a naive young girl, and I have a firm grasp on who I am and what I want in life. Put simply: You can peel your nails off in my bathroom anytime you want, baby.

I love the way you speak. You utter words like you lose interest in them halfway through saying them, like the words aren't important enough, or cool enough for you to fully commit to as they come out of your mouth. Well you're right, Jeff. They aren't cool enough for you. Nothing is cool enough for you. You are the epitome of cool. You and your slick man suits, and slick man hair, and slick man glasses.

How does it feel to be such an effortless human being?

You're pretty smart too. Is it a clever facade? Perhaps. But it doesn't matter, Jeff. Because you LOOK smart. Your swagger and bravado crush any hint of stupidity that might be lurking below the surface. I never question your intellect, as one lingering glance from you to me through my television or computer screen instantly dashes my insecurities. At the same time, your unsolicited advances make me uncomfortable because I'm positive you're staring into my soul.

I don't care that other people think you look like a mix between a frog and a giraffe. Jeff Goldblum, will you marry me?

One technicality. I'm already married. The good news is, my husband is totally on board. We both made "cheat lists" of celebrities that we'd give each other a free pass on should romantic opportunities present themselves. You were on both of our lists, Jeff. This is a very good thing for you, because my husband and I are both fit, young, and share the same proportionally gigantic facial features that you enjoy. Think of the beautiful babies the three of us would make.

xxx

Shay Lorseyedi