On July 5th, 2014, I awoke at 3:00 AM after a full day of binge wine cooler drinking. I couldn't fall asleep, so I turned on the TV and watched the last 20 minutes of Conan The Destroyer. This is my story:
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is the leader because he's big and beefy and even though I've never seen any of these movies, I'd have to be a real idiot not to know Conan the Schwarzenegger when I see him.
- They aren't on earth because the sky is like a water color painting and it looks magical.
- Arnold is forcing his maybe-outlawed group to rescue some chick named Jenna who is a princess and lives in this cave castle here.
- I bet Arnold met Jenna earlier in the movie and they were smitten with each other, but things were left unsaid and unfinished. I bet they're gonna do it later.
- That woman is not a queen, but she wants to be a queen, so she's gonna kill the soon to be queen who's younger and fairer than she. This movie is a rip off of Snow White.
- In this land, some horns are magical and bedazzled, and damn Jenna. Girl, you on drugs.
- Damn Jenna, you the sister from The Wonder Years.
- Grace Jones is fierce as all hell.
- Ew, what is that monster thing? He looks like he's made of poop. Why would you conjure a poop monster? This movie is a rip off of Joe Versus The Volcano.
- Ew, you pulled the horn off and the poop monster and it's even grosser than it was before. That horn is full of noodles.
PeachJenna has gained control over her cave castle once more. Arnold and Sister from The Wonder Years are totally going to do it now even though she's only like 16 or something.
- What the hell kind of ending was that? Not nearly enough rrrromance in this movie. I bet everyone that watched the full hour and a half was really pissed off about the lack of sensuous closure.
The original photo up top is a Public Domain Arnold photo.
The original drawing down below is a work of art. Show some respect.