4 Ways Social Media is Conspiring Against Me

By virtue of it's form, and a few insidious built-in design elements, Social Media has slowly evolved from casual acquaintance to indispensable frenemy. Facebook and Twitter have found my weakness and are trying to kill me. Here's how:

1) Facebook has an edit button. YAAAAY. Now I can correct all my grammatical errors, and sharpen my wit if I think of a better thing to say 2 minutes after a posted it! But. But. Facebook keeps a record of those edits. Simply click on the "edited" link and anyone can have a nice visual history of your ineptitude. YAAAY.

2) Twitter lets you delete tweets. I mean really, who doesn't love to paint a beautiful, unflawed picture of themselves? I want people to think I'm a perfectly, hilariously clever robot. The problem is, if you tweet something, then see a grievous error, delete it, correct it, then repost it, that original tweet will still show up in the feed. So not only will your followers get to see just how neurotic and self aware you are, they'll get slapped in the face by the real you twice! Two cheers for publicly airing your flaws! HIP HIP.

3) Not everyone will see your Facebook posts. I'm not just talking about those that choose to filter you, YOU specifically, out of their feed (oh lordy, that's a whole 'nother article), I'm talking about how Facebook does not share every post of those who you actually follow in your feed. So you post something that you think is just great, and then... crickets. Good LORD. Is it me or is it Facebook's algorithm? Why am I not a robot! I'm eating my feelings for breakfast and it's delicious!

4) Twitter offers you a constant stream of ideas. The problem is, memory works in strange and unusual ways. You see something, digest it subconsciously, and store it in your head without even being aware of it. Then, randomly, INSPIRATION. You think to yourself, the Lord has bestowed upon me the ability to be a witty, hilarious S.O.B. I am blessed. I must share my gift with the world and post this beautiful nugget on Twitter... Good God. What have I done. What if I subconsciously lifted this from someone else. Why can't I tell which mind baby is my mind baby! Why is my brain so clogged full of spiders! INCEPTION!*

I wish I could quit you social media, but I can't. So long as I'm making stuff for a living, I'll need to keep my accounts and subject myself to the horrors of shameful naval gazing, crippling self doubt, and hypochondriacal neuroticism. If you need me, I'll be burying myself in the bosom of my new best friend, Pinterest.

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*I place the blame for incepting this idea of joke inception squarely on the boyish shoulders of Mr. Patton Oswalt. Thanks Patton!

Image Credit: Shay Lorseyedi - All Rights Reserved = Please don't steal me!