I was mildly intrigued by the premise of The Purge when it came out in 2013. It was on TV recently, and I'm still in love with mid 90s Ethan Hawke, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Plus its only 85 minutes long. How could this go wrong?
The premise of The Purge is that for one night a year, Americans can commit any crime without consequence. In the movie, people have become excessively violent, so the yearly event known as "The Purge" becomes an opportunity to legally kill. The poor become the most vulnerable because they can't afford to protect themselves, and the rich become delusional and entitled monsters. It's an attempt at social commentary, specifically the class system and violence in America, but it fails miserably.
Let's real talk, The Purge. Are you supposed to be a horror movie? Is there a genre of movie that is supposed the viewer angry? Because that's what this movie was. Not one person in this film is likeable. I am not rooting for anyone because the story is about a population that acts like a bunch of assholes for 12 hours. Am I supposed to sympathize with selfish idiots and sociopaths?
(*Spoilers*)
Oh! Our friendly neighbor has brought cookies! Please. Those cookies are so obviously poisoned, Cersei. Don't eat them. Your neighbors are too smiley and happy to be normal. They want to kill you, and maybe they should since you keep flashing your money around. Maybe you should be less concerned about the boat you want to buy and more concerned about the dumb children you raised.
Your daughter has not only picked a boyfriend who's a disrespectful shit, she's also picked a boyfriend who's delusional enough to think that killing the father of his girlfriend would somehow lead to a lasting relationship. She's a double idiot because that boy isn't even cute. Kick her out of the house for having such bad taste in men. Let the neighbors have her.
And sorry, your son is creepy and weird. Why can no one see that this boy is Sid from Toy Story? He's going to dismember you people in your sleep. On top of that, that kid has doesn't have much of a grasp on reality since he's hell bent on opening the door and endanger the whole family. You can just hang outside the house with your dumb sister.
Why did you allow your dumb kid to have the security code Ethan Hawke? What kind of security expert are you? Also, if you're such a big cheese, why didn't you install a crazy souped up system on your house with robotic machine guns or perhaps a giant scythe that drops down from roof, chopping everyone in half. Is wanting a Resident Evil style laser dicer for your family really so much to ask?*
Lastly: Richie Rich, we need to have a chat. You're supposed to be a creepy villain, right? Well, you weren't. You were simply irritating. Your Hamptons mullet with lack of sideburns and prep-school schmarm made me furious. I wanted to take the corners of your mouth and pull them across your face and make that blub blub noise with my finger. Oh, and your Squeaky Fromme consort didn't scare me one bit. I wanted to punch all of you in your respective boobs.
I think that my biggest beef with The Purge was its failure to understand human nature. I'd like to think that if this was real life, we'd have a good amount of Robin Hood purging going on. With all the injustices in this fictitious world, hordes of Americans would either either flee to Canada or unite and organize during other 364 days of the year and rise up against their oppressors. Maybe rob a few banks, burn Sallie Mae to the ground, then kill a few Kardashians and Justin Biebers for good measure. Now that would be a satisfying movie.
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PS: I hope the sequel is all about chopping up Kardashians and Justin Biebers into little pieces with laser dicers.
PPS: And another thing, The Purge: People are not that naturally violent. I don't know where filmmakers get these crazy ideas from.
*I would normally add a video to the Resident Evil Laser Dicer here, but it's super disgusting and I don't want to freak you out without warning. Click this link at your own risk.
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