How to Age Gracefully

You can have it all as long as you're real chill about it.  Here's how to age gracefully in 25 easy to follow steps:

1. Decide you're going to age gracefully. (this is the hardest part)
2. Just say no to all the hype and the nonsense.
3. Throw out all your creams and serums.  Products have nothing to do with graceful aging.
4. Exude love and confidence.
5. I mean, you really need to understand love.  Like really, come on now.
6. You love yourself?  Not good enough.  Love someone else for a change, you selfish bastard.
7. Change your outlook, adjust your priorities, become a transcendent human being.
8. Obtain some children.
9. You can become an aunt, too.  Just be proximal to some kids.
10. Don't let those kids suck out your life essence.
11. Be one of those glowy moms, not a dried up raisin mom.
12. Don't be a raisin aunt either.
13. Are you confident yet?  Your children should make you feel like a superman.
14. If the kids aren't doing it for you, get some new ones that appreciate you more.
15. Make sure your skin is flawless.
16. I guess you should have done that around step 2.  Go back to the beginning and start over.
17. If you weren't born with excellent bone structure, you shouldn't even be reading this.
18. Now, ease into your excellent bone structure and poreless skin.
19. Don't covet other people's excellent bone structure or poreless skin, your excellent bone structure and poreless skin is perfect just the way it is!
20. Hi Meryl.
21. If you're not Meryl, that's okay.
22. Make sure you've cultivated some kind of passion that you're really good at. 
23. If you have this passion and you're like the best at it, you could maybe bypass some of this other crap.
24. Money helps a lot.
25. Become Helen Mirren.