The Passive Aggressive Guide to Self Promotion Online

Guide to Online Self Promotion :: Crappy Candle

No one’s going to see that thing you made if you don’t share it, silly. Here's how to self promote yourself online in 10 easy to follow steps:
  1. Post it on social media and say it’s totally okay if no one wants to look at it. It’s garbage anyway.
  2. Post it on Twitter, then delete it after an hour. If your followers didn’t see it when it was up, they probably hate you.
  3. Post small, partial screenshot of the the thing you made on Instagram. Offer no explanation.
  4. Tell everyone you’re pregnant on Facebook. Leave a link to the thing you made 5 comments in. Tell everyone you’re not pregnant 15 comments in.
  5. Ask your mom to share it with your aunt.
  6. Share everyone else’s stuff and hope they will do the same for you. Get angry and block people when they don’t.
  7. Call an old friend while they’re at work and leave a long rambling voicemail. Talk about life and sandwiches, how you saw that mean guy you went to school with at the Target, but it’s okay because his neck has gotten really fat. Ask how Waffles the cat is, how their job is, and how their parents are doing, and when you finally get to that thing you made, the—BEEP
  8. Print out the thing you made and send it to your grandma.
  9. Write down the URL, roll it into a joint and smoke it. 
  10. Post it on Google+.

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