10 Favorite Super Crappy Movies

When I was a young child, father cinema cracked open my skull and barfed on my brain, permanently altering my tolerance for awful. I will watch anything and probably like it too.

{10} Waterworld
If you think Waterworld is bad, watch it drunk, then talk to me. If you still think it's bad, watch it hungover then talk to me again.

The Good: Say what you will about Waterworld, post-apocalyptic films are always entertaining in my book. Plus, it's got Kevin Costner in it. Oh come on, why does this guy get so much shit? He's a nice, corn-fed American boy.

The Crappy: Ridiculous non threatening sea-doo riding villains, everyone's crusty/burnt/infected looking faces, dumb costumes, and the fact that Kevin Costner is essentially a mer-man in grubby Beetlejuice pants, there is plenty of crap to spread around.

{9} The Village
I was legitimately confused when people hated this movie when it came out.

The Good: Bryce Dallas Howard and her dreamy face, Joaquin Phoenix and his dreamy eyes, Adrien Brody, Sigourney Weaver and Judy Greer who can do no wrong, and Michael Pitt with that cute little mouth of his. The look and styling of the movie is perfect, and it was suspenseful in true Shyamalanonian fashion.

The Crappy: Nothing. I'm sorry, is the twist ending upsetting to you? It's an M. Night Shyamalan movie. They all have twists. Maybe he twisted so hard that the knob came off, but I did not see it coming, so I'm marking it down as a winner.

{8} Demolition Man
I'm going to get a lot of guff for this one.

The Good: Wesley Snipes and Sylvester Stallone face off in a ugly-clothed future viewed through 90s glasses. Every restaurant is Taco Bell, "what's your boggle" is used in earnest, Otho is in a kimono, and Sandra Bullock is in it too. What, am I in heaven?

The Crappy: This cheesy crap would never ever happen in any future ever. In this country, we sex, wipe our butts with toilet paper, and use foul language. This is America Dammit.

{7} Highlander
I'm going to get even more guff for this one.

The Good: Soundtrack by Queen and a highly quotable tag line: There can be only one. Sean Connery is a Spaniard named Ramirez who teaches Christopher Lambert, a Scotsman, how to be an immortal warrior and battle Clancy Brown, who's some kind of Frankenstein or something.

The Crappy: Wait Wait Wait. They cast Sean Connery as a Spaniard and Christopher Lambert as a Scotsman? Am I also supposed to believe Christopher Lambert is not a Frankenstein? It's okay Highlander. Sometimes, when something is so epic, it can be hard not to squeeze out a fat log of cheese at the same time. Also, here's new tag line for you: "There should be only one." Maybe they wouldn't have made all those sequels.

{6} Junior
I did not fully understood why Junior is not a good movie until a few days ago.

The Good: Schwarzenegger and DeVito is all I need for a buddy movie. They could be teaching a litter of Golden Retrievers how to play basketball against a team inner city youths for all I care.

The Crappy: I'm not sure if you know this, but Junior is a movie about a pregnant man.

{5} Mannequin
I don't think anything from the 80s was bad, and Mannequin wasn't even that bad.

The Good: Andrew McCarthy as a window dresser + Kim Cattrall as a mannequin = makeover montages that fill my 80s shaped heart to the brim. Estelle Getty + James Spader = kill me now, it's never getting any better than this.

The Crappy: The back story about Egyptian curse? Please. No explanation would have been better. The fact that it takes place in the 80s should have been explanation enough.

{4} The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
No really, nothing from the 80s was bad.

The Good: Bring the super gross playing cards to life with a super weird movie, and DON'T make it a cartoon. Woah. Sign me up please.

The Crappy: The live action Garbage Pail Kids really are super gross. Their lifeless eyes will haunt your dreams and make you want to take a shower. That part where Messy Tessie smears her snot over all the clothes is deeply disturbing on multiple levels, and the part where they find the Garbage Pail Kids concentration camp is probably going to give me nightmares tonight because I remembered it just now as I'm writing this.

{3} Mac and Me

The Good: This film is McDonald's answer to ET, except Elliott is a blond kid in a wheelchair and ET is an alien with a butthole for a mouth. If you think that the child alien is creepy looking, wait until you get a load of it's family. HUGE PAYOFF.

The Crappy: I'm pretty sure the makers of Mac and Me did not intend for their movie to be the worst movie ever made. The crap remains, even if it has somehow evolved into something beautiful.

{2} Bio-Dome
I've got a weird crush on Pauly Shore. Deal with it.

The Good: Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin star in a delightful romp about two dumbasses who find themselves locked in a bio-dome experimental habitat for 1 year. The premise alone sells it. Plus Stephen Baldwin definitively proves that stoner eyes and Baldwin eyes are the same thing.

The Crappy: Am I supposed to believe that Pauly Shore and Stevie Baldwin are dating these two hot chicks? I suppose I am, since I have a weird crush on Pauly Shore.

{1} The Wicker Man
I've got a not-so-weird crush on Nicolas Cage.

The Good: Nicolas Cage is at the height of his crap career with this one. It's like they had a serious thriller script, but the director decided to make it a comedy, and when they got Nicolas Cage they told him, "just be you." Go watch it right now (or just watch the spoiler clips below).

The Crappy: Shut up this movie is a masterpiece.

Special Guest: 
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II
I love this crap movie so much. I have a bit of a bias towards it though because I went to the premiere. Be jealous.

10 Favorite Super Crappy Movies | Crappy Candle


And Also Special Guest: 
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon 
I haven't seen it yet, but after watching these clips, my interest is PIQUED.


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