Male Bag: A Letter to Leonardo DiCaprio

An Open Letter to Leonardo DiCaprio (Drawing) | imshayshay.blogspot.com

Dear Leonardo DiCaprio,

I haven't seen your film "The Great Gatsby," and I still haven't watched "J. Edgar" despite it having been on my DVR for nearly a year. I was an extra in that movie and I looked at your butt for longer than I should have while filming. I regret nothing. Despite this, I can't bring myself to watch you in J. Edgar because it looks really boring. I haven't watched your film "Django Unchained" either, but let's face it, that movie was riding primarily Quentin Tarantino's jabber mouth, forbidden no-no words, and that nice Austrian fellow that keeps winning Oscars.

What I do know is that you need help, and I should be the one to give it to you.

My girlish days were filled with many visits to movie theaters to see you on the big screen. When I saw you in Titanic for the first time, there was an audible gasp from the women in the audience. I'm surprised I could even hear anything over the estrogen pumping through my own ears. All good things must come to an end, my dear Leonardo. Like many in 1998, I suffered from a condition called "Leo Overexposure Gastritis." The mere sight of you made me want to puke.

From the late 90s to the early 2000s, your hair evolved from floppy and safely flirtatious into greased back and safely dangerous. I'm eternally grateful that you gained weight in both your body, face, and neck while simultaneously making yourself gritty, because secretly, deep down inside, I wanted to love you again as a man and not as a squishy hairless boy. I give you, or whomever made this decision for you, kudos as it has done wonders for your career.

The problem Leonardo, is that - with the exception of What's Eating Gilbert Grape - you've played the same character in every film you've ever been in. You play Leonardo DiCaprio, a charismatic leader type with an ego and edge, but not too much ego or edge. You're about as dangerous as a butter knife, Leo. You need to address this quickly because you're getting squishy again.

You need to take a big risk with your next film. I'm not saying you should play a pedophile or a serial killer, but I am also saying that you should play a pedophile or a serial killer. I want to see you all kinds of messed up, and not "Shutter Island" messed up. You were only playing the Leonardo DiCaprio version of messed up, and besides, I was too busy staring at Mark Ruffalo's adorable bottom lip.

You can also go to the other end of the spectrum and play a transvestite or a drag queen. I'd love to see you as a drag queen. Maybe a serial killer drag queen. Or an uneducated farmer who also runs a puppy mill. Or the meeker half of a buddy cop duo. I want you to play something that is so far out of your comfort zone that it makes your fan base question their loyalty.

That's how you keep 'em hooked Leo, you keep them on their toes.

I don't want to divulge too much in this letter, so I leave you with this: I am graciously offering you my services as a talent manager and life consultant. My rate is 20%, firm. If you don't book anything within 3 months of our signing, our contract is null and void.

Kind regards,
Shay Lorseyedi

PS: I'll be watching "Django Unchained" shortly and will be letting you know my thoughts and recommendations moving forward. I hope, for the sake of our professional relationship, that your performance is so shocking that it makes me burn my Romeo + Juliet soundtrack.

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