7.29.2014

New Robocop vs. Old Robocop, A Movie Review

New Robocop vs. Old Robocop - Movie Reviews 2014

I watched the original Robocop for the first time about a year ago. I watched the new Robocop for the first time about a week ago. These are my observations:

  1. New Robocop's suit looks like it's made of rubber. Rubbercop.
  2. New Robocop moves like a Spiderman. Robey Maguire.
  3. Original Robocop's partner was a woman. Need more woman.
  4. Instead we get Robocop's wife. This is why I've become seriously concerned about Robocop's absent wee wee. I don't like thinking about Robocop's absent wee wee.
  5. Instead of pop up ads, we get Samuel L Jackson. (thumbs up) His rambling monologue at the end confused me. (thumbs sideways)
  6. New Robocop was not shot a comical amount of times. What a letdown.
  7. A boardroom full of people in suits were not shot a comical amount of times. What a letdown.
  8. I miss that guy that gets hit by toxic waste and turns into a sludgemen. Unforgivable sin.
  9. That yodeling prog rock song in the training sequence should have been much louder and much longer.
  10. New Robocop's bike sucks; it is too small for his giant body. It would have been better if Robocop was riding a hog. Or maybe if Robocop turned into a bike. Or maybe if Robocop rode a bike that looked like a slightly larger Robocop.

The makers of New Robocop took a beloved robot and tried to turn him into Ironman, but without all the stuff that makes Ironman cool. Instead we get a man without a wee wee. The original was a camp fest that fit perfectly with the camp fest that was the 80s; it's maddening that they thought flashy CGI, a more logical storyline, and a family that we're supposed to be invested in would be an improvement. These things belong in a Robocop movie about as much as Gary Oldman* belongs in a Robocop movie. Hell, I'm not even a Robocop fan. Real Robocop fans must have been furious.

Robocop doesn't need a fleshed out back story, one people hand, or lots of feelings. Robocop is not a superhero man. He's a robot. man. Let the robot define the man and the man be a friggin' robot.




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*Maybe if it was a Luc Besson joint, I would be yodeling a different tune.

Robocop Illustration by Greg Hinkle
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